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Shidduchim- A Kabbalistic Perspective

Updated: Sep 20, 2021

​Shidduchim (the act of going out or helping people to unite in marriage), can be one of the most frustrating periods in a person’s life. For many, this process can involve many useless dating and listening to people’s bad advice.

​Why can this be so difficult?

​Let’s dive into these this topic to learn a bit more about them from a Kabbalistic perspective!


Shidduchim involve many fascinating Kabbalistic secrets. Finding one’s spouse is a source of great joy and stability, which we all want to partake in order to enjoy life to the fullest.

The first principle to realize when it comes to Hashem’s Hashgacha (Divine Providence) is that things that happen in our lives are not haphazard and never really occur because of one thing only. People tend to think that the flow of events in one’s life is a by-product of something, usually that can be pinpointed, that ended up naturally happening, in a mechanical way.

The truth is there are an infinite amount of calculations that Hashem makes in order to help couples get married. Like everything else, this can be influenced by the couple’s merit, their parents’ merit, their necessary rectifications, their prayers, the opposition from the Sitra Achrah (the “dark side”), their soul roots, and many other factors. Shockingly, even something akin of “luck” also play a part since the sages teach in the Talmud (Moed Katan, chapter 3) that it’s permitted to betroth a woman during Chol HaMoed, and even write a contract “lest another man comes and marries her before”.

From this we infer that, while the concept of soulmates do exist in Judaism, it can be that a person’s mate is taken from him. In this case, he can be left without a mate until Hashem has mercy on him and send someone else from his soul root.

Again, it all depends on a variety of factors, but suffice to say it’s a known fact Hashem expects us to do our Teshuva properly and, together with our prayers, we can merit finding our mate. The faster, the better!

So, ideally we want to rectify everything we need to as soon as possible, the faster the better! A suggestion would be to start with doing a minimum of 30 minutes a day of Hitbodedut. It is recommended during your hitbodedut to do teshuva. The Zohar teaches that there is no double jeopardy in Heavenly jurisprudence: if a person judges himself, then the Heavenly court is not allowed to touch the case. Not only that, but Hashem casts away the accusing angels that come to report the said person’s misdeeds, for the person has already confessed to Hashem. The two huge benefits of judging oneself are: one, a person is much more lenient toward himself than anyone else is; and two, Hashem is ever-so-patient and forgiving, happy to accept our sincere teshuva and to let us make a new beginning. Rabbi Levi Yitzchak Binder of blessed memory said that a person’s life is like a book and each day is a page. When a person devotes an hour to self-evaluation and personal prayer, Hashem turns that day’s page without judging that person at all for any misdeeds that he might have done that day. Doing teshuva before HaShem a person receives a perfect score in Emuna. They'll enjoy the fruits of their efforts even in this world and they are spared from harsh judgments.

We are starting another round of 40 day challenges this Thursday and welcome you to pick up a spiritual exercise to help rectify your soul and the world.

Shidduchim and marriage can involve much pain, but it’s well worth pursuing it.

May you be blessed to find your shidduch, have a happy marriage and merit all the blessings from the Torah!

Here is a quick suggestion for a teshuva prayer:

“Master of the Universe, forgive me that I imagined that there can be anything outside of Your reign or any power other than You. Pardon me for having imagined that I can succeed, much less exist without You. Forgive me for my thoughts of grandeur, for my arrogance, and for my complaining, sadness, and anger. Forgive me for persecuting myself as if success or failure were in my hands; forgive me for letting my earthly desires dictate my life rather than seeking my true pleasure and source of vitality. Forgive me for trusting other people; from now on, help me put my trust in You alone.” (Source: R.Nolson & R.Arush)

This article was written and published in the zechut of all Emuna Builder Partners. May they have complete emuna and continue in spreading emuna! Help us spread Emuna in Israel and throughout the world by becoming a partner!

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