Why Surrendering Can Actually Be a Good Thing

Could surrendering things you can’t control actually be empowering? Learn about the potential of surrender.

Surrendering is the act of giving up something. For our purposes, surrender means giving up on efforts to control your life, or ensure specific outcomes in your life. But why surrender? Trying too hard to control our lives is stressful and ultimately fruitless (Cole & Pargament, 1999). Knowing when to surrender and being able to do so effectively is a helpful coping skill (Cole & Pargament, 1999).

For many people, particularly those with spiritual leanings, surrendering control is synonymous with seeking to follow the will of a higher power instead of your own will (Wong-McDonald & Gorsuch, 2000). This might look like recognizing that the will of the universe and your own will do not align and that it will be easier to accept how things are unfolding than to continue trying to change them.

Paradoxically, many people find that surrendering in this way allows them to feel more in control of their lives (Cole & Pargament, 1999). This might be because surrender is still a choice we make.

The classic example of surrendering comes from the world of addiction recovery. Many, many people have achieved better psychological health and abstinence from addictive behaviors through participation in Twelve-Step programs (Kelly, 2017), and surrender is at the heart of those Twelve Steps.

For those of you unfamiliar with the Twelve Steps, it is model of understanding addiction recovery. The first step in such is for the addict to acknowledge that their life has become so out-of-control that no amount of rational thinking on their part will solve their problems (Tangenberg, 2005). Rather than continue struggling in vain to control one’s behaviors, addicts are encouraged to give up trying – to surrender to the fact that many events are out of their control and that they cannot manage things alone.

Many addicts find life much more manageable once they not only surrender control, but also ask for a benevolent power greater than themselves to take care of the situation (Pearce et al., 2008). In turning to an outside source for help, whether that be the support of fellow addicts, the will of a higher power, or the guidance of a therapist, addicts take an active role in getting better, no longer going it alone. In this environment, they practice actively coping with life stress by surrendering, with positive impacts for their lives (Morgenstern et al., 1997).

Aside from addiction rehab, psychological research has documented a wealth of benefits that come from accepting things as they are and giving up trying to control that which cannot be controlled. In fact, accepting things as they are is a central component of many effective types of psychotherapy (Block-Lerner et al., 2009).

To take one example, we can think of surrendering as a form of “radical acceptance”, a therapeutic skill which has been shown to help people recover from post-traumatic stress disorder and borderline personality disorder (Gorg et al., 2017; Robins et al., 2004). Accepting the present moment exactly as it is can make us less worried and stressed out and more effective in responding to what life throws at us (Knabb et al., 2017), regardless of whether we have significant mental health challenges.

So what might this look like for somebody who isn’t an addict? Suppose you have a friend whose company you truly, deeply enjoy. However, they can be forgetful, sometimes showing up late or canceling plans with you altogether. Knowing the limits of how much you can change somebody else, surrendering is likely to be a helpful tool here. You might decide that you’d rather not rock the boat by asking your friend to be more punctual or consistent; in that case, you’ll need to surrender to the fact of inevitable, occasional frustration with this person. If you do decide to ask them to change, it will help to surrender attachment to them responding in any particular way.

Exercises

Here are two ways to practice surrender in your daily life (Colombiere, 1980):

1) Prepare to surrender certain things today. Think about your daily routine and the things in it that you can’t control. For example, before you even get on the road, let go of your anger at the driver in front of you. Accept that you will be anxious during that meeting with your supervisor. Before your brain can start trying to control these feelings, surrender to the fact that you’ll likely have them. That might make it easier to let them go when they arise.

2) Practice surrendering to the larger forces of life. You cannot control the outcome of the next election, whether your spouse will develop a severe illness, or the long-term effects of climate change. When thoughts of these things arise, it can be easy to spin out with worry as you wonder how you might control (or how little you can control) future events. Try your best to surrender these topics.

In Sum

Letting go of things takes courage. Similar to the idea that there is strength in vulnerability, it takes guts to surrender. Knowing that surrendering can be a helpful tool, but that doing so is effortful and may not feel natural, how would you like to change your life? Where in your life would it be braver to say, “I let go control of this”, than to keep tightening your grip?

As you ponder these questions, be open and easy with yourself. Surrender is counterintuitive; it’s hard to admit that we can’t think or do our way to a better solution than surrendering provides. So when you find yourself stuck on something, gently consider whether just letting it go is a good first step.

References

• Block-Lerner, J., Wulfert, E., & Moses, E. (2009). ACT in context: an exploration of experiential acceptance. Cognitive and Behavioral Practice, 16(4), 443-456.

• Cole, B. S., & Pargament, K. I. (1999). Spiritual surrender: A paradoxical path to control. In W. R. Miller (Ed.), Integrating spirituality into treatment: Resources for practitioners (pp. 179–198). American Psychological Association.

• Colombiere, C. (1980). Trustful surrender to divine providence. Charlotte, NC: Tan Books.

• Görg, N., Priebe, K., Böhnke, J. R., Steil, R., Dyer, A. S., & Kleindienst, N. (2017). Trauma-related emotions and radical acceptance in dialectical behavior therapy for posttraumatic stress disorder after childhood sexual abuse. Borderline personality disorder and emotion dysregulation, 4(1), 1-12.

• Kelly, J. F. (2017). Is Alcoholics Anonymous religious, spiritual, neither? Findings from 25 years of mechanisms of behavior change research. Addiction, 112(6), 929-936.

• Knabb, J. J., Frederick, T. V., & Cumming III, G. (2017). Surrendering to god’s providence: A three-part study on providence-focused therapy for recurrent worry (PFT-RW). Psychology of Religion and Spirituality, 9(2), 180.

• Morgenstern, J., Labouvie, E., McCrady, B. S., Kahler, C. W., & Frey, R. M. (1997). Affiliation with Alcoholics Anonymous after treatment: A study of its therapeutic effects and mechanisms of action. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 65(5), 768–777.

• Pearce, M. J., Rivinoja, C. M., & Koenig, H. G. (2008). Spirituality and health: Empirically based reflections on recovery. Recent Developments in Alcoholism, 18, 187-208.

• Robins, C. J., Schmidt, H. III, & Linehan, M. M. (2004). Dialectical Behavior Therapy: Synthesizing Radical Acceptance with Skillful Means. In S. C. Hayes, V. M. Follette, & M. M. Linehan (Eds.), Mindfulness and acceptance: Expanding the cognitive-behavioral tradition (pp. 30–44). The Guilford Press.

• Tangenberg, K. M. (2005). Twelve-step programs and faith-based recovery: Research controversies, provider perspectives, and practice implications. Journal of Evidence-Based Social Work, 2(1-2), 19-40.

• Wong-McDonald, A., & Gorsuch, R. (2000). Surrender to God: An additional coping style? Journal of Psychology and Theology, 28, 149 –161.

Tips on How to Reduce Anxiety

Learn what causes anxiety and what strategies can reduce it.

Anxiety manifests differently for different people. Physical symptoms include sweaty palms, shaking or trembling, fast heartbeat, indigestion, headaches, insomnia, loss of appetite, and many more (Konkel, 2021). These symptoms can be linked to your body’s physiological arousal as it prepares to ward off a threat. (If you’re experiencing any of these symptoms, especially for the first time, it’s worth seeing a doctor to rule out other causes.)

Anxiety can also manifest cognitively with symptoms such as worries, racing thoughts, rumination, and loss of concentration. Anxiety might also appear as seemingly endless trains of “what if?” questions.

Anxiety is linked to our fight-or-flight response and can help us prepare for real threats. For example, if you feel anxious before an important exam, you might study more and earn a higher score than you otherwise would have. If anxiety becomes chronic and disruptive, however, it can be part of a psychological disorder such as generalized anxiety disorder or panic disorder.

What Can Lead To Anxiousness?

Anxiety can be a normal response to life events (Konkel, 2021). If uncertainty and chaos are major features of your environment (e.g., an abusive home or a competitive career field with little job security), it makes sense to feel anxious. Even after moving to a safer environment, this anxiety may persist. Anxiety can also be a normal response to short-term stressors like an upcoming exam, a first date, or a dental appointment.

Anxiety can also have physiological causes. For example, sleep deprivation or excessive caffeine intake can cause or exacerbate anxiety. It’s also possible that some people inherit a predisposition to experience more frequent or intense anxiety than average. Even if you’re especially anxiety-prone or have a family history of anxiety, there’s nothing wrong with you. But you might find strategies to manage your anxiety helpful.

Feeling Anxious When Waking Up

Morning increases in cortisol release (the cortisol awakening response) may contribute to anxiety when waking up. The cortisol awakening response might prepare your body for the stress and challenges of the day. If you’re prone to anxiety, you may experience a weaker cortisol awakening response (Walker et al., 2011). This weaker response could contribute to anxiety, be caused by it, both, or neither. Further, research has produced mixed findings as to the relationship between CAR and psychological disorders.

If you experience morning anxiety, you can try tracking its patterns to see if there’s a trigger in your life. For example, do you wake up feeling anxious on days when you’re planning to see a certain friend? Do you feel more anxious on workdays than on days off? On days when you sleep in? On rainy days?

Feeling Anxious at Night

If you’re stressed, but work, family time, hobbies, or other activities keep you occupied during the day, you might notice an uptick in anxiety and worries at bedtime (which, for most of us, is at night). Once you’re relaxing and no one is asking anything of you, your mind is free to wander. If you think problem-solving could be helpful, you can try daily journaling. You can also try diverting your mind with relaxing but engrossing activities, such as reading a book, doing a crossword puzzle, or listening to music. ​

Feeling Anxious in a Relationship

In any relationship, you’ll likely feel anxious at least occasionally. If you have an anxious or disorganized attachment style, anxiety will probably crop up more frequently than if you have a secure or avoidant attachment style. Fortunately, it is possible to move toward greater attachment security (particularly with the help of a therapist). You can learn about attachment styles through many books, websites, and podcasts.

How to Stop Feeling So Anxious

In some cases, anxiety can be a normal and even appropriate response to life events. Occasional situational anxiety, such as jitters before a final exam, might push you to perform better (Cheng & McCarthy, 2018). If you experience only occasional anxiety that seems to benefit you, you might not need to stop the anxiety–instead, consider harnessing it to get closer to your goals.

If you’re in an abusive, chaotic, and/or unpredictable environment, such as a particularly intense job, your best bet may be to leave for a better environment. Of course, leaving is not always (immediately) possible and may not be your preferred solution. If you’re a member of a marginalized group, racist, homophobic, misogynistic, classist, ableist, or otherwise discriminatory environments may (understandably) contribute to your anxiety, but it’s probably not feasible to move beyond the reach of systemic oppression. Pockets of safety (like a good support group) might be the best remedy.

When anxiety becomes a problem, self-help, seeking professional help, or a mix of both approaches might resolve or reduce your symptoms. Numerous workbooks, articles, podcasts, online communities, etcetera exist to support people with anxiety. If you prefer to work with a professional (or if self-help approaches don’t work well for you), many therapists specialize in anxiety treatment. You can also talk with a psychiatrist or general practitioner about medication options.

In Sum

Although anxiety is a normal part of the human experience, and it can motivate us to prepare and perform well, it can also cause pain and hold us back. Anxiety can be associated with any number of potential biological, psychological, and social causes: Examples include sleep deprivation, alcohol consumption, work-related stressors, relationship tension, trauma, and certain times of day. Anxiety can rise to the level of a disorder if it causes you distress and interferes with your daily life (e.g., it causes problems for your work, keeps you from making friends, or gets in the way of your romantic relationship). If you think you might be suffering from an anxiety disorder, a therapist or other mental health professional may be able to help you with therapy and/or medication. Self-help approaches such as lifestyle changes, workbooks, and support group participation may also help keep anxiety in check.

References

• ​Cheng, B. H., & McCarthy, J. M. (2018). Understanding the dark and bright sides of anxiety: A theory of workplace anxiety. Journal of Applied Psychology, 103(5), 537.

• Konkel, L. (2021, March 26). What is anxiety? Symptoms, causes, diagnosis, treatment, and prevention. Everyday Health.

Science-Based Ways to Feel Calmer

Learn what calmness is and ways that you can simply and effectively achieve calmness in your life.

In a recent study, researchers spoke with 103 people who had received treatment or support for depression and analyzed their responses for keywords describing feelings of calmness (Weiss et al., 2021). Notably, of the 29 words identified as being related to calmness, only five were traits or feelings that described the presence of calmness. The five words that were related to feeling calm included:

• At ease

• Mellow

• Patient

• Peaceful

• Relaxed

Exercises to Induce Calm

There are a number of exercises and techniques that can be used to increase calmness and decrease tension, anxiety, and stress (Norelli et al., 2021). Some exercises may include:

• Listening to Music - Listening to music can reduce both physical and psychological stress and increase calmness (de Witte et al., 2022). At a physiological level, listening to music can decrease stress hormone levels, lower heart rate, and decrease blood pressure. At a psychological level, listening to music can decrease negative emotions like worry, anxiety, nervousness, and restlessness. Lastly, at a neural level, listening to music may promote the release of calming neurochemicals including endorphins and oxytocin.

• Drawing - Drawing, like other forms of artistic expression including coloring, sculpting, painting, and collage-making may help to reduce feelings of worry and anxiety and increase feelings of calmness (Abbing et al., 2018). Drawing and other forms of artistic expression may allow you to access and express feelings and thoughts that may be difficult to access and express verbally (Morris, 2014).

• Intentional Deep Breathing - Controlling your breath and ensuring that your inhalations and exhalations take the same amount of time may help you regulate your physiological stress responses. In box-breathing, you visualize a box or a square with sides of equal length. Each side of the box represents one of the stages of breathing. Thus, in box-breathing, you breathe in through your nose to a count of 4, hold the air in your lungs for a count of 4, breath out for a count of 4, and then hold your breath for a count of 4. These steps are repeated for any period of time between 1 to 20 minutes and may help you increase your calmness.

• Guided Imagery - Visualizing a calm, tranquil setting may help to promote calmness by providing a distraction from intrusive thoughts. In order to practice guided imagery, first make yourself comfortable, then visualize a tranquil setting, either one that you have personally experienced, or one that you imagine. Imagine the setting as experienced by all of your senses including sight, sound, smell, taste, and feel. Sustain the visualization for as long as you need or are able. Concentrate on keeping your breathing slow and deep and on how being in that environment brings calmness.

• Progressive Muscle Relaxation - By tensing and then relaxing the muscles of your body, focusing on the feeling of release that comes with un-tensing, you may be able to reduce anxiety and increase calmness.

There are others thing we can do to stimulate calmness. Things that stimulate calmness may include:

• Taking a warm bath

• Mindfulness meditation (Vijayaraghavan & Chandran, 2019)

• Journaling

• Yoga

• Taking a walk

• Getting a massage

• Breathing fresh air

• Drinking calming tea

• Usinf essential oils (Walsh, 2020)

In Sum

Calmness is both the absence of feelings of worry, stress, anxiety, fear, and panic as well as the presence of peace, relaxation, patience, and ease. It is psychological as well as physical: when you feel calm not only do you feel emotionally and mentally relaxed, but your heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing rate are also probably relatively low. Although life events may cause you to lose your calmness at times, regaining a sense of calmness is possible. As we have reviewed in this article, you may be able to achieve calmness by listening to music, playing games, creating art, trying out some calming exercises, or trying out some calming essential oils.

References

• ​Abbing, A., Ponstein, A., van Hooren, S., de Sonneville, L., Swaab, H., & Baars, E. (2018). The effectiveness of art therapy for anxiety in adults: A systematic review of randomised and non-randomised controlled trials. PloS one, 13(12), e0208716.

• de Witte, M., Pinho, A. D. S., Stams, G. J., Moonen, X., Bos, A. E., & van Hooren, S. (2022). Music therapy for stress reduction: a systematic review and meta-analysis. Health Psychology Review, 16(1), 134-159.

• Morris, F. J. (2014). Should art be integrated into cognitive behavioral therapy for anxiety disorders?. The Arts in Psychotherapy, 41(4), 343-352.

• Norelli, S. K., Long, A., & Krepps, J. M. (2021). Relaxation techniques. In StatPearls [Internet]. StatPearls Publishing.

• Vijayaraghavan, N., & Chandran, M. (2019). Effect of meditation on psychological well-being. The International Journal of Indian Psychology, 7(2).

• Walsh, C. (2020). What the nose knows. The Harvard Gazette, 2, 27.

• Weiss, C., Meehan, S. R., Brown, T. M., Gupta, C., Mørup, M. F., Thase, M. E., ... & Ismail, Z. (2021). Effects of adjunctive brexpiprazole on calmness and life engagement in major depressive disorder: post hoc analysis of patient-reported outcomes from clinical trial exit interviews. Journal of Patient-Reported Outcomes, 5(1), 1-11.