How (and Why) to Be Kinder

Discover the importance of kindness and learn new ways to show more kindness.

The act of being kind is often used as a synonym for being nice. While niceness implies a level of pleasurable or agreeable behavior toward someone else, kindness takes niceness a step further. Kindness can be defined as a genuine and sincere way of giving your time and intention to someone else through compassion, time, generosity, and care for the betterment of helping others (Binet & Passmore, 2019). Kindness can be shown in a variety of ways. Some ideas may include offering emotional support, giving time to someone or a cause, showing respect, encouraging another person, providing resources, or something as simple as just being there when someone needs you.

Research suggests that showing kindness not only makes the person we are being kind to feel good but helps our own well-being too. Below is a list of just a few benefits of kindness.

• Increases Happiness. Kindness has been shown to increase subjective well-being and improve mood. The more kind we are, the more we tend to feel positive emotions (Otake et al., 2006).

• Boosts social relationships. People that show kindness are more likely to develop genuine connections with others and feel content with their social networks (Otake et al., 2006).

• Promotes oxytocin. Oxytocin, commonly referred to as the love hormone, is a hormone that can support positive self-esteem. It helps us feel more joy and can also improve heart health by reducing stress (Verona, Murphy, & Breslin, 2018).

• Reduce depressive moods. Being kind to others can help you feel more self-confident and energetic, which can elevate your mood and help minimize feelings of depression (Carter, 2011).

• Produces the “Helper’s High.” We’ve heard the term running high, but have you heard of a helper’s high? Researchers have shown that when we do good deeds for others, our brain’s pleasure and reward centers fire up. Being kind can create a rush of positive energy and uplift us, which is a phenomenon called “helper’s high” (Dossey, 2021).

While it may seem easier to be kind to the people we know, we also carry the ability to show kindness to someone new. Plus, kindness doesn’t always have to include dramatic gestures of care. Simply being polite, using a warm tone, giving a smile, or showing patience or gratitude to a stranger can be enough.

Picture yourself at the grocery store at 5:30 pm on a Friday. You’re ready to get home, change into comfortable clothes, have a bite to eat, and can’t wait to sit in front of the TV for movie night. Your grocery list is small, maybe just milk and eggs. But it seems like the entire population of New York City is in the same store as you and you begin to grow impatient with the long lines. Of course, this is a frustrating scenario, especially when you’re exhausted from a long week of work. While it can be easy to give in to our annoyance or discomfort with the situation, being patient, smiling at another waiting customer, or being understanding of the cashier when they apologize for the long lines can mean more to them than you think.

In another situation, let’s say you have a great friend who is dealing with some trouble at work, feeling overwhelmed with her home life, and hasn’t found the time to take care of herself. Your kindness can be something as simple as checking in on how her day is going, sending a warm message wishing her a good week, or being there to listen if she needs to vent about any frustrations or problems.

Let’s recap: kindness expands the more we share it, being kind to someone else can improve our own psychological and physical health, and no act of kindness is too small. Being kind is a simple but beneficial act that we may often overlook, so hopefully, this article served as a reminder that just a little bit of care and compassion can make a big difference.

References

• Carter, C. (2011). Raising happiness: 10 simple steps for more joyful kids and happier parents. Ballantine Books.

• Dossey, L. (2021). Generosity and kindness in our pandemic era. Paradigm, 19.

• Otake, K., Shimai, S., Tanaka-Matsumi, J., Otsui, K., & Fredrickson, B. L. (2006). Happy people become happier through kindness: A counting kindnesses intervention. Journal of happiness studies, 7(3), 361-375.

• Verona, E., Murphy, B., & Bresin, K. (2018). Oxytocin-related single-nucleotide polymorphisms, family environment, and psychopathic traits. Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment, 9(6), 584.

7 Ways to Stay Present

Discover some strategies to help you get out of your head and start living more in the moment.

When people talk about staying present or living in the moment they are often talking about mindfulness, or “paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally to the unfolding of experience moment by moment” (Kabat‐Zinn, 2003). ​This type of mindful, present-focused living keeps you out of your head, stops you from ruminating on things that went wrong in the past, and lessens the amount of time you spend worrying about what could go wrong in the future. As a result, living in the moment can enable you to enjoy the moment more and feel like your life is more meaningful or fulfilling.

In fact, these types of interventions have been shown to have positive effects on both anxiety and depression (Khoury et al, 2013). That's in part because when we get stuck in our heads we might not be able to notice the good things that are right in front of us.

But learning how to be more present isn't always easy. If we are the kind of person whose mind wanders and we are always imagining or thinking about something, how do we pull ourselves back to the present moment? Here are some strategies and techniques to try.

1. Try Mindfulness Meditation

Guided mindfulness meditations can help you build the skills that make it easier to live in the present moment. They do this by teaching you to focus on your bodily sensation and your breathing. By practicing focusing on your breath, you are really practicing focusing on the present moment. Below is a mindfulness meditation for you to try.

https://youtu.be/cVeyjwnxlIA

2. Try the Raisin Exercise

The raisin exercise involves using all five senses to explore a raisin. First, observe its appearance, noticing each crevice. Then notice how it feels in your hand. Then put it up to your nose and notice its smell. Then put the raisin on your tongue and pay attention to how it feels. Then bite into it and notice how it tastes. Finally, chew and swallow it, noticing how it feels going into your body. This exercise can help you become more aware of your senses and physical experiences. You can extend this skill by observing other things in your life to help yourself be more present.

3. Practice Gratitude

Gratitude is thought to be an orientation towards noticing and appreciating the positive things in the world. Gratitude is strongly related to well-being (Wood, Froh, & Geraghty, 2010), and it can't exist without first living in the present moment. That's because if we're not present, we won't notice all the things around us that we might be grateful for—things like the smell of fresh-cut grass, the feel of the wind on our cheeks, or the sight of a flower growing between sidewalk squares in the middle of a city. By working to practice gratitude, we'll help cultivate our "awareness" skills and as a result, be more present and appreciative.

4. Stop Rumination Cycles

Rumination is "a mode of responding to distress that involves repetitively and passively focusing on symptoms of distress and on the possible causes and consequences of these symptoms" (Nolen-Hoeksema, Wisco, & Lyubomirsky, 2008). When we ruminate, we stay fixated on our problems, our feelings, or our experiences, and we don't take action in the present to resolve them. As a result, rumination is associated with greater levels of depression and anxiety.

When we live in the present, we may still have negative emotions about things that happen to us. But instead of turning them over and over again in our minds, we take action to change those emotions in the moment. For example, if we're mad about something our romantic partner did, instead of thinking about how rude they were, we go and talk to them, tell them how we feel, and request that they behave differently next time.

5. Try Box Breathing

Box breathing is a type of controlled breathing that involves taking slow breaths in and out. Focusing on our breathing helps us practice focusing on something that is happening in the now while also calming down our physiology and reducing stress. If you want to try box breathing, check out the video below to be guided through it.

6. Try The Body Scan Meditation

The body scan exercise involves bringing attention to your body. Start by closing your eyes and shifting from one region of the body to the next, paying attention to any sensations you notice. For example, do you notice tightness in your back, a knot in your stomach, or an itch on your foot? By practicing paying attention to what's going on inside of you at this moment, you can build your skills and hopefully make it easier for yourself to stay present.

7. Take Mindful Photos

Maybe you're someone who has a hard time keeping your mind from buzzing. Then maybe it'll help you to use a tool to stay present. Try snapping a few photos each day. Focus on taking pictures of things you never noticed before. Hmm, I never realized that house was red. I can't believe I never noticed that my dog has a spot that looks like Elvis. Or, wow, that candy has a quote on its wrapper that I never saw before. By taking these photos we may be able to help remind ourselves to notice things more.

Final Thoughts on Living in the Moment

Living in the present moment is a great skill that can be extremely helpful for boosting mental health and well-being. Luckily, there are a number of ways to build and grow this skill. Hopefully, these tips here provided you with some activities that are a good fit and make a positive impact on your life.

References

• Kabat‐Zinn, J. (2003). Mindfulness‐based interventions in context: past, present, and future. Clinical psychology: Science and practice, 10(2), 144-156.

• Khoury, B., Lecomte, T., Fortin, G., Masse, M., Therien, P., Bouchard, V., ... & Hofmann, S. G. (2013). Mindfulness-based therapy: a comprehensive meta-analysis. Clinical psychology review, 33(6), 763-771.

• Nolen-Hoeksema, S., Wisco, B. E., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2008). Rethinking rumination. Perspectives on psychological science, 3(5), 400-424.​

• Wood, A. M., Froh, J. J., & Geraghty, A. W. (2010). Gratitude and well-being: A review and theoretical integration. Clinical psychology review, 30(7), 890-905.

What is a Pidyon Nefesh?

There are few rituals in Jewish life as mysterious as Pidyon Nefesh.

Commonly translated as the “redemption of a soul”, the ritual does seem as

strange as its name. Yet, it is part of Jewish Tradition as much as any other

Mitzvah and we find many places in literature where Jews engaged in such

practice.

The ritual is very simple: someone in need of a salvation puts up 160 coins

(in whatever currency of the country he’s in) to the person conducting the Pidyon,

who’s at the very least a learned individual and knows the appropriate prayers. In

doing so, the point of the transaction is to annul the decree the person who paid

is now facing and bringing in salvation.

So, you might be wondering: what is the mechanism behind a Pidyon

Nefesh? Well, read on to find out!

Seals of Clay and Seals of Blood

One of the most difficult concepts to understand is that, at any given

moment, there are a near infinite amount of judgments happening in Heaven.

Either Hashem himself is judging it alone or with any amount of Tzadikim to

“deliberate” how events should play out. Of course, much of our prayer also has

tremendous effect in what happens Above.

Most of these judgments are soft, like forgetting one’s car keys somewhere

at home, because there’s a complex system of “compassion barriers” that

mitigate them before coming into being in our physical world. It’s noteworthy

also that Hashem judges His creations at appointed times. There’s a judgment

every hour, one every day, one every month and, of course, every year on Rosh

Hashanah, besides other special times. The commentators of the Zohar teaches

us there are 2 types of seals for every judgment: seals of clay and seals of blood.

The difference between them is very simple: If the judgment is sealed in

clay, it can be reverted. However, if it’s sealed in blood then nothing can change

it. This is why, the Zohar teaches us, the judgment of Purim was able to be

transformed; for it was sealed in clay. Rebbe Nachman teaches us in Likutey

Moharan that one who is tremendously happy for a Mitzvah can indeed see these

judgments in order to take action.

The Kabbalah behind Pidyon Nefesh

Actually, there’s a Mitzvah from the Torah that exemplifies the concept of

Pidyon Nefesh very well. And that’s the optional Mitzvah to donate one’s amount

or “erech” (the stipulated monies) to the Temple treasury. In a way this is a

means of “redeeming” oneself from decrees as the money goes for a very holy

endeavor.

In Hebrew, the word for “blood” (which comes from the Sephirah of

Gevurah) is Dam (דם). Not surprisingly, one of the words for money is the plural

Damim (דמים) and the connection is clear: one pays money in order not to pay in

blood. This type of exchange is also seen in the Mitzvah of Tzedaka, except that

with Pidyon Nefesh, the money is ideally given to a Tzadik, or at least a righteous

Torah Scholar. The power of the Tzadik is much greater than average people and,

without a doubt, the effect of Pidyon Nefesh is greater. The amount of 160 coins

is equivalent to the numerical value of the word Kessef (כסף) and this is also one

of the words used for “money”. However, it literally means silver, which

throughout Kabbalistic literature comes from the Sephirah of Chessed

(Lovinkindness). In a way, the money we are giving is then rectifying, or

“sweetening”, the harsh Gevurot (“severities”) symbolized by the harsh decree.

Currently Kabbalists generally use the Pidyon Nefesh as taught by Rabbi

Shalom Sharabi (the Rashas”h) with the mystical intentions (kavanot) that he

wrote. However, many great Tzadikim also use the simplified version written by

Rebbe Nachman of Breslov. One of the main aspects of the Pidyon Nefesh is that

the money be given to an outstanding scholar, the greater the better, since

helping him is in a sense helping elevate the fallen “Shekhina” (which is constantly

together with said individual).

The effectiveness of Pidyon Nefesh cannot be overstated. Many

“miraculous” stories are told by people with all sorts of difficulties in any area we

can think of, who were saved after giving money to Tzadikim such as Rabbi

Mordechai Sharabi, Rabbi Kaduri, Rabbi Kook (from Tveria), the

Ben Ish Chai, the Chida and countless others.

May we merit to have all our decrees overturned to good and merit to have

the salvations we need! Have any cools stories about Pidyon Nefesh? Share them

in the comments below!

If you would like a Pidyon Nefesh performed for you or a loved one, click here.