Why Couples’ Therapy Using the Gottman Method is Superior

The Gottman Method

With divorces on the rise and birth rates falling, it's clear that there are issues that need resolving in many contemporary relationships. Couples' therapy is one of the various ways people often look to repair rifts in their relationships. Engagement with couples therapy is growing, too, as millennials are using the service more than any other generation. However, this presents an interesting dilemma: why are divorces and breakups happening more often if so many young people choose to confront their relationship problems using couples therapy? With around 50% of marriages ending in divorce, we must question the efficacy of couples therapy and whether the current mainstream approach is working as effectively as it should. In response to this, Drs John and Julie Gottman have produced a method of couples therapy that is both practical and effective. It addresses many issues stemming from commonly used techniques and allows for a more realistic approach to fixing a relationship. Since its conception, this new form of therapy, termed the Gottman Method, has received high success rates for relationship improvement, partner satisfaction and overall wellbeing within and outside of the couple (Findley, 2020).

Traditional Couples Therapy

Over the last few decades, the most commonly practiced forms of couples therapy have been based around active listening, which is creating a platform for partners to voice concerns. The premise of this method is promising – if partners are taught a technique that allows them to speak and listen openly and honestly, this will resolve many issues before they have the chance to escalate. However, research has shown that this form of behavioral therapy does not display long-term success rates (Weger et al., 2014). One study indicated that the technique was not implemented healthily by many couples in the medium to long term and instead devolved into a way for partners to degrade and insult each other while ensuring their continued attention (Cornelius et al., 2007). Furthermore, another study found that the method was typically only effective as it allowed the speaker to vent and wasn't an effective way for the listener to receive and process criticism (Halford, Hahlweg, & Dunne, 1990). A method of therapy that can result in such a toxic outcome is ineffective at best and counter-productive at worst. There is an apparent gulf between each partner's emotions that hinders communication when practicing active listening. This gap in understanding was filled by Drs John and Julie Gottman, who developed a novel therapeutic approach in response to the unreliable success rates of traditional couple's therapy.

The Gottman Method: Why Does it Work?

The Gottman method moves beyond the traditional couples therapy template and integrates more grounded and holistic principles within its therapeutic approach. It also discards the common pitfalls present within standard behavioral therapy templates (Navarra & Gottman, 2013). The Gottman method uses the Sound Relationship House Theory as a theoretical framework (Navarra & Gottman, 2015). Essentially, this framework outlines the various steps and processes required to foster an understanding of your partner's point of view and feelings and resolve the underlying issues that produce discord in a relationship (Navarra & Gottman, 2015). As a behavioral therapy technique, this approach first involves the creation of 'love maps' by each partner. This document is supposed to express feelings and concerns in a healthier way than face-to-face discussion (Gottman & Gottman, 2017). By beginning the therapy with this step, the Gottman method bypasses much of the emotional intensity inherent in active listening and cinematic immersion that has been evidence to produce frequent conflict between partners.

Once these issues are raised in the love map, the therapy transitions into encouraging partners to share fondness and admiration (Gottman & Gottman, 2017). It is thought that if the couple expresses affection towards each other following the potentially problematic love map, some of the negative emotions associated with that practice can be turned into appreciation for the partner's upsides while having felt that their concerns have been addressed (Meunier, 2017). Partners are then encouraged to reach out to each other and communicate during times of marital discord, in a step labelled the 'turn towards instead of away' phase. They are encouraged to approach issues with a positive perspective and understand each other's outlook. This technique is structured to promote a more wholesome environment to vent frustration, hoping to prevent the toxicity that can emerge in active listening. The ultimate end goal of this therapy is to foster a 'shared meaning' between partners – a way for each to understand the other while simultaneously working together to advance themselves and live a happy life (Gottman et al., 2019).

The Bottom Line

Because of this holistic and considerate methodology, the Gottman method remains the most effective form of couples therapy currently in popular psychology. By negating the volatility of the initial phase of raising concerns and encouraging positive perspectives going into therapy, this method has shown higher efficacy than active listening, as some studies have indicated a success rate of almost 70% (Gottman, Gottman & Abrams, 2019). This realistic and thoughtful approach to couples therapy has been formulated after decades of research on the part of the Gottmans. This is reflected in how well-considered each part of the therapy is, as it provides the benefits of active listening but goes further and encourages a wholesome environment for couples to communicate. If any couple is serious about addressing their issues in an environment proven to work, then the Gottman method is the way to go about it.

References

Cornelius, T. L., Alessi, G., & Shorey, R. C. (2007). The effectiveness of communication skills training with married couples: does the issue discussed matter?. The Family Journal, 15(2), 124-132.

Farrell, W. (2000). Women can't hear what men don't say: Destroying myths, creating love. Penguin.

Findley, K. M. (2020). Therapy at Your Doorstep: Examination of Home-Based Gottman Method Couples Therapy (Doctoral dissertation, California Southern University).

Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017). The natural principles of love. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 9(1), 7-26.

Gottman, J., Gottman, J., Abrams, R., & Abrams, D. (2019). Eight Dates: To keep your relationship happy, thriving and lasting. Penguin UK.

Halford, W. K., Hahlweg, K., & Dunne, M. (1990). The cross-cultural consistency of marital communication associated with marital distress. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 487-500.

Meunier, V. (2017). Gottman method couples therapy. In Behavioral, Humanistic-Existential, And Psychodynamic Approaches To Couples Counseling (pp. 113-147). Routledge.

Navarra, R. J., & Gottman, J. M. (2013). Gottman Method Couple Therapy: From Theory to Practice. In Case Studies in Couples Therapy (pp. 369-382). Routledge.

Navarra, M. E. R. J., Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2015). Sound relationship house theory and relationship and marriage education. In Evidence-based approaches to relationship and marriage education (pp. 115-129). Routledge.

Ottawa (ON): Canadian Agency for Drugs and Technologies in Health (2017) Couples Therapy for Adults Experiencing Relationship Distress: A Review of the Clinical Evidence and Guidelines

Rogers, C. R., & Farson, R. E. (2015). Active Listening. Martino Publishing

Weger Jr, H., Castle Bell, G., Minei, E. M., & Robinson, M. C. (2014). The relative effectiveness of active listening in initial interactions. International Journal of Listening, 28(1), 13-31.

What Is Positive Reinforcement?

Learn how to harness this powerful principle to improve your life and the lives of others.

Positive reinforcement is the process of increasing the future probability of some behavior by following that behavior with a pleasant or desirable consequence (Scott et al, 2017). In other words, positive reinforcement is when you act or behave in a certain way, get something that you like, and then become more likely to act or behave in that way again. When you log in to Instagram and see that your latest post has received a lot of likes and comments, you may find yourself checking Instagram more often. Similarly, when you visit the vending machine and get a delicious snack, you may find yourself making more trips to the vending machine.

Not every instance of an act being followed by a pleasant consequence qualifies as positive reinforcement. Central to the definition of positive reinforcement is an increase in the future likelihood of the behavior that came right before the consequence. It's no accident that the term “reinforce”, with its alternative meaning of strengthening, is used. In positive reinforcement, the behavior is strengthened by the reinforcer.

Almost anything can be a positive reinforcer, and the items that will be effective reinforcers for one person may not be effective for another person. For example, a workplace incentive program that rewards employees with gift certificates to a steakhouse is unlikely to increase productivity in vegetarian employees.

Some items and experiences like food, sex, warmth, and social approval may be hard-wired to be reinforcers. These types of reinforcers are often called “unconditioned reinforcers” because they can strengthen behavior without any training or specific experience. Other reinforcers like money, name brands, and other markers of social status are examples of conditioned reinforcers. These are rewards that acquire their ability to increase behavior, usually through association with another reinforcer (Williams, 1994).

Positive Reinforcement vs Negative Reinforcement

Psychologists distinguish between positive reinforcement and negative reinforcement. In both positive and negative reinforcement, a behavior occurs, a consequence follows, and the behavior becomes more likely to happen again in the future. What distinguishes positive and negative reinforcement is that in positive reinforcement the consequence is something that is given or added while in negative reinforcement the consequence is something that is removed or taken away.

Usually, the thing that is removed in negative reinforcement is something unpleasant, painful, or annoying. For example, if putting on noise-canceling headphones is followed by a reduction in the intensity of annoying, unpleasant, or distracting background noise, you may thereafter become more likely to use the headphones. The reinforcement in this case was not the addition of anything pleasant but was the removal of something unpleasant.

Examples of Positive Reinforcement

Positive reinforcement maintains much of adult behavior. Examples include:

• Drug and alcohol use – Positive reinforcement is often involved in drug and alcohol addiction. For example, tobacco use may lead to feelings of mild euphoria, increased energy, reduced stress and anxiety, appetite suppression, and feelings of relaxation (Watkins et al., 2000). All of these pleasant sensations experienced after smoking a cigarette may be so powerful that they compel people to continue to smoke despite negative health effects and even despite significant efforts to stop smoking.

• Social media or screens – Many people report that they spend more time than they would like on social media. If this is the case, your social media feed is probably a source of positive reinforcement. The behavior of checking your social media is positively reinforced by comments and likes on your posts, entertaining stories or images, updates on your friends and acquaintances’ statuses, and all of the other engaging content that exists on your screen. Your desire to spend less time on social media may not be strong enough to counteract the powerful influence of all of this positive reinforcement (Newport, 2019).

You may be able to counter some of the powerful effects of positive reinforcement that drive you to overeat, smoke, or spend too much time on social media by introducing another powerful positive reinforcer – the satisfaction of curiosity. Learning more, discovering, and insight are powerful reinforcers. Knowing this, you may be able to redirect your behavior away from actions that result in unhealthy or undesirable reinforcers and towards the satisfaction of curiosity. For example, when you are stressed and craving unhealthy food, you may be able to interrogate these feelings and get reinforced by insight and discovery instead of sugar and fat.

Positive reinforcement has no inherent value, good or bad. It is a process that, if understood and effectively used, can increase behavior. By understanding and acknowledging its impact on our lives we can strive to use this powerful principle to create a world that is consistent with our values.

References

• Newport, C. (2019). Digital Minimalism: Choosing a Focused Life in a Noisy World. Penguin.

• Scott, H.K., & Cogburn, M. (2017). Behavior modification. In StatPearls [Internet]. StatPearls Publishing.

• Watkins, S. S., Koob, G. F., & Markou, A. (2000). Neural mechanisms underlying nicotine addiction: Acute positive reinforcement and withdrawal. Nicotine & Tobacco Research, 2(1), 19–37.

• Williams, B. A. (1994). Conditioned reinforcement: Experimental and theoretical issues. The Behavior Analyst, 17, 261–285.

What Are Transferable Skills?

Learn why transferable skills are important and how to talk about your own.

The average person can expect to hold 12 different jobs in his or her lifetime (United States Bureau of Labor Statistics, 2021). With all this job-changing, how can you navigate your career in the direction that you want to take it? One way to improve your career prospects may be to cultivate your transferable skills.

Transferable skills are those skills that are useful, and maybe even necessary, to the performance of a wide variety of jobs. A skill may be considered transferable if you learn and perfect it in one context, like school, a job, volunteer work, or a hobby, and then can use that skill in new and different situations (Nagele & Stalder, 2017). A huge range of skills, proficiencies, competencies, and talents may qualify as transferable skills. Some transferable skills are very specific and technical—for example, knowledge of specific software or industry regulations. Other transferable skills are more generic such as a general proficiency with computers, or fluency in a foreign language. A third category of transferable skills is often called “soft skills”, like the ability to communicate effectively and problem-solve creatively.

Soft skills are a type of transferable skills that are often needed to successfully apply technical skills and knowledge (Bancino & Zevalkink, 2007). For example, a restaurant manager’s ability to create a work schedule for a large staff requires technical skills like numeracy, literacy, computer proficiency, and administrative skills. Creating a schedule that staff members are generally happy with also requires the soft skills of empathy, leadership, and interpersonal communication.

Why Transferable Skills Are Important

Change is an increasingly large part of people’s professional lives. Even within the same job, you may often change teams or projects. Having skills that transfer from one situation to another may be extremely helpful when adapting to these frequent changes in your roles and responsibilities.

While technical skills that are readily transferable across contexts may serve you well, having soft skills such as ambiguity tolerance, cultural acceptance, self-confidence, creative thinking, and the ability to give and receive feedback may be particularly valuable (de Villiers, 2010). Having a set of soft skills that you can carry from one role to another may even improve your earning potential. People with the soft skills of leadership, planning, and problem-solving tend to have higher incomes (Ramos et al., 2013).

Examples of Transferable Skills

Skills and proficiencies that tend to be important across workplace settings include (Nagele & Stalder, 2017):

• Fundamental skills – literacy, numeracy, proficiency with technology, and physical skills.

• People skills – oral and written communication, interpersonal skills, influencing, negotiating, teamwork, customer service, leadership, and management.

• Conceptualizing or thinking skills – managing information, problem-solving, organizing and planning, critical thinking, systems thinking, time-management, and teachability.

• Business skills – innovation, entrepreneurship, and administrative skills.

• Community skills – citizenship, work ethic, emotional labor, cultural awareness, and expression.

Although skills from each category may be required to do most jobs, the specific skills needed to perform a specific job may vary. Some transferable skills are more general than others. For example, basic communication and literacy skills will probably be required in most jobs. Other transferable skills may not be valued in as many jobs or industries. For example, customer service skills may not be as strongly valued in manufacturing roles as they are in cashier roles.

Transferable skills can be organized into broad categories of specific competencies and strengths (Ramos et al., 2013). Describing your specific abilities may be more informative than making broad statements about your generic skills.

• Literacy Skills – reading and writing documents, memos, forms, or reports.

• Leadership Skills – coaching and motivating staff, developing staff competencies, planning activities, making strategic decisions, and managing resources.

• Physical Skills – physical strength, dexterity with your hands, endurance, and stamina.

• Problem Solving Skills – spotting and analyzing problems, identifying causes, and finding solutions.

• Influencing Skills – advising customers, persuading others, dealing with people, making speeches and presentations.

• Teamwork Skills – working in teams, listening to colleagues, paying attention to details.

• Planning Skills – time-management, organizing, and planning tasks.

• Numeracy Skills – working with numbers or using advanced mathematical and statistical tools.

• Emotional Labor – language skills, negotiation, emotion-regulation, and managing other people's feelings.

Transferring your skills from one situation to another may not be easy (Saks et al., 2014). The ability to recognize which of your skills may serve you well in a new situation is itself a skill. And recognizing which of your skills are transferable and what new skills you may need to pursue may be the most valuable transferable skill of all.

References

• Bancino, R., & Zevalkink, C. (2007). Soft skills: the new curriculum for hard-core technical professionals. Techniques: Connecting Education and Careers (J1), 82(5), 20-22.

• de Villiers, R. (2010). The incorporation of soft skills into accounting curricula: preparing accounting graduates for their unpredictable futures. Meditari Accountancy Research, 18(2), 1-22.

• Nagele, C., & Stalder, B. E. (2017). Competence and the Need for Transferable Skills. In M. Mulder (Ed.), Competence-based Vocational and Professional Education Bridging the Worlds of Work and Education (pp. 739-753). Springer.

• Ramos, C. R., Ng, M. C. M., & Sung, J. (2013). Wages and skills utilization: effect of broad skills and generic skills on wages in Singapore. International Journal of Training and Development, 17(2), 116-134.

• Saks, A., Salas, E., & Lewis, P. (2014). The transfer of training. International Journal of Training and Development, 18(2), 81-83.

• United States Bureau of Labor Statistics (2021). Number of Jobs, Labor Market Experience, Marital Status, and Health: Results from a National Longitudinal Survey Summary.