When we have caused another person pain, one of the healthiest, albeit challenging things to do is to forgive ourselves. Self-forgiveness is the “willingness to abandon self-resentment in the face of one’s own acknowledged objective wrong while fostering compassion, generosity, and love toward oneself” (Enright, 1996, p. 115). According to Fisher and Exline (2010), the ideal process of self-forgiveness involves the transgressor accepting an appropriate amount of responsibility, experiencing sufficient levels of guilt to prompt reparative behaviors and personal growth, and then releasing excess guilt that no longer serves a useful function. However, this trajectory is seldom realized in real life. Many of us avoid guilty feelings altogether by taking emotional shortcuts to make ourselves feel better (e.g., emotional suppression, excuse-making, or blaming someone else) without accepting responsibility or repairing relational damage (Fisher & Exline, 2010). Alternatively, we may go to the opposite extreme, getting caught up in negative feelings, such as shame, excessive guilt, and regret for our transgression.

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To actively forgive oneself, one must view the transgression from a broader perspective and realize that one is merely human. In this way, self-forgiveness aligns with self-compassion, which involves being kind toward the self in the face of difficulty while recognizing that one’s experience is common to humanity (Neff & Germer, 2018). According to Neff and Germer (2018), self-forgiveness consists of five steps: 1) opening to the pain of remorse; 2) being self-compassionate in the face of adversity; 3) recognizing that the situation was a consequence of many interdependent causes and conditions; 4) offering self-forgiveness; and 5) resolving to not repeat the same mistake.

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Goal:

This tool aims to help people utilize self-compassion to come to terms with, and forgive themselves for a transgression.

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Advice:

• People are less likely to self-forgive immediately following a transgression; thus, it is important to give yourself ample time before encouraging self-forgiveness.

• Moving toward genuine self-forgiveness may require what some individuals will view as a step backward. For those who have taken a shortcut to feel better (e.g., by blaming someone else), it will be important to accept responsibility and endure the accompanying pain and discomfort. Genuine self-forgiveness will remain elusive if people merely sidestep negative emotions.

• The idea with self-forgiveness is to help people find ways to accept responsibility for their transgressions without lapsing into extreme negative emotions that take energy away from the important tasks of personal growth and from building a satisfying and meaningful life.

• Individuals may find it helpful to write about their thoughts and feelings concerning self-forgiveness. This could be done as a post-meditation activity.

• Following this exercise, clients may express a desire to apologize to the person(s) they have hurt. It's important to evaluate the pros and cons of apologizing to ensure an apology is indeed a healthy, adaptive exercise.

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• Fisher, M. L., & Exline, J. J. (2010). Moving toward self-forgiveness: Removing barriers related to shame, guilt, and regret. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 4(8), 548-558.

• Neff, K., & Germer, C. (2018). The Mindful self-compassion workbook: A proven way to accept yourself, build inner strength, and thrive. Guilford Press.