The Talmud's wisdom has a timeless quality that continues to resonate with us today, especially when it comes to marriage. In Tractate Berakhot, there’s some ancient relationship advice that’s worth dusting off and taking a closer look at. What’s fascinating is that these insights can easily be paired with the modern relationship principles that Dr. John Gottman has been sharing with couples for years. So, let’s dig into the Talmudic take on love and marriage and see how it aligns with what Gottman has discovered in his research.
One of the most striking pieces of advice in Berakhot 8a is that “a man should love his wife as much as himself and honor her more than himself.” This isn’t just about maintaining a balance in the relationship but about creating a cycle of respect and love that feeds into itself. The Talmud essentially suggests that when a husband prioritizes his wife’s needs and feelings—sometimes even above his own—it sets the tone for a relationship where both partners feel valued and respected.
Dr. Gottman’s research echoes this sentiment, particularly through what he calls “turning towards” behaviors. According to Gottman, couples who actively engage in these small, everyday moments of connection—like responding positively to each other’s bids for attention—are the ones who build lasting relationships. It’s not just about the grand gestures but about those little moments when you show that you’re there for your partner, that you’re listening and that you care. These interactions, although they might seem minor, are crucial to building trust and intimacy. It’s the same idea the Talmud gets at when it talks about honoring your spouse more than yourself; it’s about consistently showing up and being present in the relationship.
In Berakhot 57a, the Talmud takes it a step further, describing the love between a husband and wife as one of the things that are a foretaste of the World to Come. Think about that for a second—your relationship isn’t just about sharing a life together; it’s a glimpse of something divine, something eternal. That’s a pretty powerful concept. When you experience that deep, authentic connection with your spouse, it’s not just about feeling good in the moment; it’s about touching something that’s bigger than both of you.
Gottman would likely compare this to the concept of “love maps,” which are essentially the mental and emotional maps you create of your partner’s world. By knowing and appreciating the details of each other’s lives, you create a deeper connection that transcends the mundane. It’s this kind of connection that the Talmud might say gives you that foretaste of the World to Come—a relationship that isn’t just based on the here and now but is rooted in something deeper and more enduring.
But let’s be honest, maintaining this kind of relationship isn’t always easy. There are days when “love and honor” might feel more like chores than aspirations. That’s where both the Talmud and Gottman’s advice come into play. The Talmud isn’t just giving you the ideal; it’s also challenging you to strive for it, to keep working at it even when it’s tough. Gottman’s research backs this up, showing that couples who are willing to put in the effort—even when they don’t feel like it—are the ones who tend to stay together.
So, what’s the practical takeaway here? First, love and honor are not just nice-to-have qualities in a relationship; they are essential practices that need to be nurtured every day. And second, the love you share with your partner isn’t just about getting through the day-to-day; it’s about creating something lasting and meaningful, something that gives you a glimpse of the Divine.
Marriage, as the Talmud and Gottman both suggest, is a journey. It’s filled with highs and lows, but when both partners commit to loving, honoring, and understanding each other, it becomes something truly extraordinary. The work you put in isn’t just about surviving together but about thriving, about creating a relationship that’s not just good but truly great.
In the end, whether you’re following ancient wisdom from the Talmud or modern advice from Dr. Gottman, the message is clear: marriage is about more than just cohabiting or even just loving each other. It’s about building a partnership that reflects the best of what both of you can be. And when you do that, you’re not just building a life together; you’re building something that touches the eternal. So next time you’re faced with the choice between honoring your partner or doing what’s easiest, remember that you’re not just making a choice for today but for a lifetime. And in that choice, you have the power to bring a little bit of heaven into your everyday life.
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